There is no question that Martha needs a holiday, but this may not be it...

Dec. 1: Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas subpoenas.

Dec. 2:Take parts from old blender and toaster and de-glue scotchtape roll to build answering machine. Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing message, "Martha has moved; address unknown."

Dec. 3: Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog financial advisor.

Dec. 4: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. Make something frilly and delightful for holiday court appearances.

Dec. 5: Pick up discarded eyeglasses from Sally Ann. Grind new lenses from pop bottle bottoms. Kick the cat square on the bottom to test focus.

Dec. 6: Fax family christmas newsletter to Pulitzer prize committee for consideration.

Dec. 7: Debug Microsoft Windows.

Dec. 8: Hollow out the PC, paint orange, save for Halloween...buy Macintosh.

Dec. 10: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of the earth.

Dec. 11: Lay Fabergé egg.

Dec. 12: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

Dec. 13: Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

Dec. 14: Install plumbing in gingerbread house. Re-cut gingerbread men for political correctness. Gather cuttings and put aside for that special fantasy.

Dec. 15: Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

Dec. 17: Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor-wire.

Dec. 19: Re-open laboratory and make progress on cure for Tiny Tim.

Dec. 20: Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

Dec. 21: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

Dec. 22: Float votive candles in toilet tank. Leave home-made burn ointment in easy reach.

Dec. 23: Prepare massive amounts of white flour paste, helicopter over entire neighbourhood pouring paste liberally to create white christmas. Garnish with light, sparkly frosting.

Dec. 24: Do my annual good deed. Be seen engaging in last-minute christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

Dec. 25: Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in colour-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

Dec. 26: Organize spice jars according to chemical composition. Decorate vial of marijuana to blend in with spice jars.

Dec. 27: Build snowman in exact likeness of god, with a jaunty blond wig as the finishing touch.

Dec. 31: New Years Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

Jan. 1: Attempt pancake breakfast without the medication.